Further thoughts on blame, codependency and the need for anger as protection

Any codependent relationship has the potential for both parties to become conscious of their invested need in the dynamic that has played out. Blame occurs within codependency when either or both parties recognizes the aspects of self not being fulfilled through the dynamic and the exchange / intertwined communication in the relationship. Eventually ended when at least one side decides to move on, either replacing the dynamics required in the codependency in another relationship, or becoming conscious of what cannot be fulfilled or completed by the other party.

When a codependent relationship has formed that is akin to abuse, either via physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse/violence, or the disempowerment of one individual through manipulations of shame, guilt, fear or control, a recovery process is needed in order for that individual to restore a sense of identity outside of the dynamic. If a level of brainwashing has occurred, where one individual cannot see the damage / dominance inflicted on them by their codependent “abuser” (I put in quotation here, abuser a strong word, and yet relative to the first hand experience of the abused) a waking up and reprogramming can occur, where with sufficient time outside and free from the relationship the “abused” (again relative to the type of relationship, its gravity and whether there is a sense of danger physical or otherwise) can begin to see the abuse for what it is, without bypassing or justifying the other parties behavior or needing to empathize with the other party. This again draws somewhat of a parallel to Stockholm syndrome.

With the desire of an individual at soul level to evolve and discover self beyond the limitation incurred from the co-dependence, an unraveling can occur where the sting of outrage at the injustice experienced by the abused, if their psyche is ready to acknowledge and process it, begins to kick in. With the allowance of time for it to unravel, they can see the deeper levels of the dynamic of abuse in the relationship, and how it was carried out. They begin to see the truth of the dynamic, both of what was experienced, where lines were crossed and also what the pay off was for them in staying in the relationship as long as they had.

In the midst of this awakening to the injustice experienced, anger is a crucial reminder and acknowledgement for self to truly acknowledge the danger and damage of this type of relationship in the way it has the potential to distort self and limit growth and expansion. The containment previously experienced in the relationship has to feel repulsive or become so, in order for the individual to move out of empathy and not be drawn back in by the old manipulations & dependency of their abuser, which would have before allowed them to continue to justify and mentally or emotionally bypass the behaviors of their abuser, for example guilt for questioning their abusers actions, or unquestioning loyalty overriding discernment of their codependent’s intentions.

The activation of anger and blame helps the individual to draw a line in the sand and recognize where and how the violation had occurred. It is needed also in their state of vulnerability to keep them safe, in being conscious of what they then attract or choose to co-create with other individuals. The abuser in the dynamic that they “escaped” from, needs in the abused’s psyche to remain “the bad guy” in order for a sense of self to rebuild without their confidence being broken down again by guilt, shame, violence or any other type of manipulation/ distortion.

Holding onto this blame and resentment, however, can last years, if not a lifetime, because the next phase requires even deeper integration where the individual assesses and recognizes how the anger and resentment has served them as a form of protection, but they are now entering a period of transition where they are strong enough in their energy (and perhaps have had enough life experience away from the original codependent relationship) to no longer require the other individual to be held accountable in their mind / psyche via blame, anger or resentment. The soul is yearning to move towards true forgiveness, understanding, and neutrality which requires to no longer hold fear of the other individual. To recognize that the other party no longer holds power over them. To access this state, a stripping away of the blame is needed which means the individual must then recognize the fear of losing self to the old abuse / dependency is no longer valid because they no longer are able to even resonate from a space where they could attract that type of dynamic. If they did they would recognize it and be able to disconnect from it quickly while maintaining a state of neutrality with no fear of its old trappings.

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‪#‎blame‬ ‪#‎resentment‬ ‪#‎anger‬ ‪#‎codependency‬ ‪#‎abuse‬ ‪#‎stockholmsyndrome‬‪#‎fear‬ ‪#‎growth‬ ‪#‎forgiveness‬

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Blame and the avoidance of self actualization

Stockholm syndrome is defined as psychological symptoms that occur for people that are kept in captive or hostage situations, developing empathy or support for their captors as a non necessarily conscious survival strategy. In a sense our reliance on blame can be compared to this. The fear induced and the sense of lack of empowerment within a situation or trauma that created a belief of continued dis-empowerment, can in some ways become a comfort zone to us. The blame of our perpetrators without the desire to go beyond the positioning of them as the god head in our lives.

Blame and resentment can often be filled with secret and unconscious agreements we make with ourselves to purposefully fail in order to keep the perpetrators responsible for our misery. Let’s say our third grade teacher told us our ideas were stupid and we were never going to become what we wanted to be as an adult. The anger and humiliation experienced by that event could become unconscious passive aggression where we decide to live up to their judgement of us and not succeed in order to blame them for planting the seed of that belief, or a back-handed attempt at retribution by failing and creating victimhood in our lives out of self pity, and the need to continuously justify our anger long after the event has passed. Sometimes when we feel powerless, our only power is to prove a point. ((That’s why you find so many nerds talking shit in chat rooms and forums. **I do not count myself among you ** 😃👍 )) Our victimhood then becoming a grown self indulgence where we get to be “right” in how they “wronged” us, because they “screwed up our lives.”

 

The problem with blame is that we can’t see beyond this dynamic of self limitation. We’ve created a person or situation as the god head that defined how far we are allowed to progress and put the responsibility in their hands. Our anger helps us to feel justified in the wrong doing, but it distracts us from the life beyond this duality we experienced, where our perception of limitless possibility and expansion was shut down, and we conditioned ourselves to live in that confinement, either cause we bought the belief or because we want to stay limited to hold them accountable. And stay stuck in our bitch ass ways.

You have to tantrum to get to your core. 😤

When we unravel our frustration and allow ourselves to go with full abandon into child-like persecution whining, rage and antics, our trauma is forced to connect our mind with our body, because the exhaustion of the tantrum forces out the rant and trail of thought to a place where we have no more energy to give to our 6 year-old illogical bullshit. Suddenly in that state of collapse and tiredness that argument doesn’t feel worthwhile to hold or sustain anymore. We’ve expended all that energy kicking and punching out the invalidation we originally experienced and the reality we built from that experience, to a point of tiredness where our mind has no energy to continue the battle to control our reality from the point of futility it feels in shouting its desire for acknowledgement. ( Very similar to what is now happening on the collective). In this state of pathetic-ness we can then drop the containment and ask ourselves are we done with this now? Was our inner victim acknowledged enough, or would we like to continue holding our third grade teacher accountable for how our life is progressing now?

Beyond this is self actualization where “they” are no longer responsible for what we can create for ourselves, the sense of duty of care for ourselves becomes something we actually want to carry or take on board because responsibility to self and our life is suddenly alluring without the limitation we thought was imposed on us, or that we held onto as a form of security. Blame no longer works, as it begins to feel stifling, and we become more excited by the prospect of getting on with our creation than feeling sorry for ourselves. We no longer desire to dine with Sensitive Sally and Debbie Downer, and when Trigger Trevor tries to join us, we choose to see the blessing that he gives us in the form of an opportunity to understand self more, as opposed to going into rant mode and disregarding and shutting down the difference in viewpoint.🤔

We all have the opportunity to go beyond our blame if we are willing to be honest with ourselves about who or what we are still needing to hold accountable and to what end?

Visit us @ thedisconnecthealingspace.com for more information on our work, musings and other dope things.🔍

دار بسرعة

approx 22″ diameter . Materials: yarn, wool, wooden, copper and hematite beads

 

 

 

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