dependency

Any codependent relationship has the potential for both parties to become conscious of their invested need in the dynamic that has played out. Blame occurs within codependency when either or both parties recognizes the aspects of self not being fulfilled through the dynamic and the exchange / intertwined communication in the relationship. Eventually ended when at least one side decides to move on, either replacing the dynamics required in the codependency in another relationship, or becoming conscious of what cannot be fulfilled or completed by the other party.

When a codependent relationship has formed that is akin to abuse, either via physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse/violence, or the disempowerment of one individual through manipulations of shame, guilt, fear or control, a recovery process is needed in order for that individual to restore a sense of identity outside of the dynamic. If a level of brainwashing has occurred, where one individual cannot see the damage / dominance inflicted on them by their codependent “abuser” (I put in quotation here, abuser a strong word, and yet relative to the first hand experience of the abused) a waking up and reprogramming can occur, where with sufficient time outside and free from the relationship the “abused” (again relative to the type of relationship, its gravity and whether there is a sense of danger physical or otherwise) can begin to see the abuse for what it is, without bypassing or justifying the other parties behavior or needing to empathize with the other party. This again draws somewhat of a parallel to Stockholm syndrome.

With the desire of an individual at soul level to evolve and discover self beyond the limitation incurred from the co-dependence, an unraveling can occur where the sting of outrage at the injustice experienced by the abused, if their psyche is ready to acknowledge and process it, begins to kick in. With the allowance of time for it to unravel, they can see the deeper levels of the dynamic of abuse in the relationship, and how it was carried out. They begin to see the truth of the dynamic, both of what was experienced, where lines were crossed and also what the pay off was for them in staying in the relationship as long as they had.

In the midst of this awakening to the injustice experienced, anger is a crucial reminder and acknowledgement for self to truly acknowledge the danger and damage of this type of relationship in the way it has the potential to distort self and limit growth and expansion. The containment previously experienced in the relationship has to feel repulsive or become so, in order for the individual to move out of empathy and not be drawn back in by the old manipulations & dependency of their abuser, which would have before allowed them to continue to justify and mentally or emotionally bypass the behaviors of their abuser, for example guilt for questioning their abusers actions, or unquestioning loyalty overriding discernment of their codependent’s intentions.

The activation of anger and blame helps the individual to draw a line in the sand and recognize where and how the violation had occurred. It is needed also in their state of vulnerability to keep them safe, in being conscious of what they then attract or choose to co-create with other individuals. The abuser in the dynamic that they “escaped” from, needs in the abused’s psyche to remain “the bad guy” in order for a sense of self to rebuild without their confidence being broken down again by guilt, shame, violence or any other type of manipulation/ distortion.

Holding onto this blame and resentment, however, can last years, if not a lifetime, because the next phase requires even deeper integration where the individual assesses and recognizes how the anger and resentment has served them as a form of protection, but they are now entering a period of transition where they are strong enough in their energy (and perhaps have had enough life experience away from the original codependent relationship) to no longer require the other individual to be held accountable in their mind / psyche via blame, anger or resentment. The soul is yearning to move towards true forgiveness, understanding, and neutrality which requires to no longer hold fear of the other individual. To recognize that the other party no longer holds power over them. To access this state, a stripping away of the blame is needed which means the individual must then recognize the fear of losing self to the old abuse / dependency is no longer valid because they no longer are able to even resonate from a space where they could attract that type of dynamic. If they did they would recognize it and be able to disconnect from it quickly while maintaining a state of neutrality with no fear of its old trappings.

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When we begin to acknowledge our addictions and allow ourselves to explore the totality and the depths of the causes of our addictions, we are in a state of exploration and transformation. Moving beyond the focus of our situation and battle/ duality state with our addictions empowers us to confront and bring into our awareness where we are feeling dis-empowered, or in a perceived state of weakness. This feeling of weakness is the soul yearning for reconnection and completeness within itself. Solidarity: unification within the self. Unification of the mind, body and soul. Realigning ourselves so that our actions and daily drives and desires are allowed to come back into a state of balance and become a reflection of unification of the mind, body and soul.

While moving through this state of self discovery it is important for us to take the “battle element” out of this growing awareness. Understanding and gaining clarity on the causes and the depths of our addictions doesn’t have to put us in a state of overwhelm and burden unless we are allowing it to. Instead it is more empowering to bring an attitude of gratitude for our expanding understanding as well as an acknowledgement that we are already moving beyond the addiction. Too much focus has been placed on the idea of struggle and that recovery is somewhere off in the distant future, or that we will never reach this place of empowerment and trust within ourselves. Instead we need to bring the focus back to the present as this is the only place of power. Even if we haven’t acted on an addiction for a short duration of time, if we know that we have already changed a pattern of behaviour, then let’s celebrate the fact. If we have already moved beyond our usual cycle of engagement in an expression of our addiction, let’s celebrate the fact. Let’s honour and acknowledge that we are already moving into that state of alignment and growth where we have allowed conscious awareness of our actions to change the course of our engagement in our personal addictions.

This is the place of constance that we are surrendering ourselves to come back into. It it not a state of striving to reach, but a state reached through surrender. It is not about ‘trying’. It is a surrendering of the duality state of separation, anxiety, addiction, craving, struggle and into a remembrance of our divinity within this individual moment. Remembering this state of being and allowing ourselves to come back into this place of acknowledgement no matter how often we ‘fall off the horse’ and where we ‘perceive ourselves to be in our state of recovery’. Understand that just the pereception of where we think we are in our recovery can actually be hindering us from allowing ourselves to feel reconnected in this moment.

The serenity prayer
The serenity prayer, or variations of the serenity prayer used in recovery groups, is an acknowledgement of being in this moment:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

For those who don’t believe in “God” or dislike using the word “God”, or have mixed feelings about using the word “God”, perhaps out of a sense of religious connotation, or personal confliction over how to define “God”, change the wording. Use “true self”, “higher self”, “universe”, “Goddess”, “Spirit”, “All that exists”, “the totality of my being”. Whatever wording you can think of that supports you, resonates with you, feels comfortable to you and that you can use as anchor. If the idea of any type of God / energy just feels too conflicted for you then use “the strength within me” or “the perfection within me”
For those who don’t like the idea of prayer, again as it may bring conflicted feelings or the connotation of religion, then change it to the serenity affirmation. The idea is to use this wording as an invocation to bring yourself back into realignment in this now moment.

The first line, “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change” is an acknowledgement of surrender. A pause or a reflection in the moment in order to release our personal crazy. To just say “in this moment I am releasing the fight within me”. Surrender is not about giving up and going back into the actions spurred by addiction, but a surrendering of the supressive states of addction we engage in, that cover up what needs to be healed.

The second line: “courage to change the things I can” is a call to action. This is a call to responsibility and taking the acknowledgement of our addictive behaviours and placing a framework that works in our favour to move out of habitual addictive patterns. This is an owning up to ourselves. The action principle of change where we review what we are doing in our lives and make a decision of what we are going to discard and what new patterns of behaviour and modes of operation we are going to bring into our lives.

The third line: “wisdom to know the difference” is about a realignment of the ego self. It is a calling in for improved clarity. The understanding of what we wish to keep, and what we wish to discard depending on where we feel we are at this moment of our lives. And the point is that this can change and is allowed to change. Because down the track there may be other things we are ready to discard but that may not be a reflection of where we are in our evolution at this moment. The whole point of the prayer is to allow our process to work for us, not against us. Not to create further struggle, but to provide structure and clarity and a process that empowers us right now in this moment.

Maurice Katting is a Massage Therapist, Reiki Practitioner and Vibrational Healer based in Melbourne, Australia