Survival trauma and the creation of codependency

Often this can stem from the manipulation of survival to develop compliance

As an infant:

– Do as I say or I’m leaving you in the parking lot.

– Or if you don’t do what I tell you I will withhold my love and care from you.

-Physical violence or sexual abuse to silence and control, through fear guilt or shame

With friendships:

-If you don’t do what I want you to, I’m going to ignore you and turn others against you. (Mean girls)

-Hazing or abusive initiation for inclusion in the group.

In religion:

-accept xxx as your savior or perish in hell/ reincarnate as a goat

In education:

-study, work hard and follow this path in order for your future to be guaranteed

-Question authority and speak up and be shamed in front of the group

In our identity:

-hiding sexuality for fear of being ostracized,

-not sharing creative / vulnerable expression for fear of public shaming and exclusion.

In relationships:

-be who I want you to be or I’m leaving you or losing interest in you

The original trauma/s create a passivity whereby questioning the dominant figure is negated for survival and it’s easy to hold blame and resentment as opposed to the fear of losing the connection and being abandoned by opposing (guilt/shame). In the original trauma the seed of control is planted by threatening our very foundations (physical survival and nurturing ). We will then most likely experience a repeating of this original trauma in different aspects in our lives. The belief becomes “survival is based on some degree of compliance or compromise of self”

This fear survival perspective is also the control which keeps us trapped in 3rd dimensional reality. (Governments, media, on & on)

 

 

 

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Further thoughts on blame, codependency and the need for anger as protection

Any codependent relationship has the potential for both parties to become conscious of their invested need in the dynamic that has played out. Blame occurs within codependency when either or both parties recognizes the aspects of self not being fulfilled through the dynamic and the exchange / intertwined communication in the relationship. Eventually ended when at least one side decides to move on, either replacing the dynamics required in the codependency in another relationship, or becoming conscious of what cannot be fulfilled or completed by the other party.

When a codependent relationship has formed that is akin to abuse, either via physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse/violence, or the disempowerment of one individual through manipulations of shame, guilt, fear or control, a recovery process is needed in order for that individual to restore a sense of identity outside of the dynamic. If a level of brainwashing has occurred, where one individual cannot see the damage / dominance inflicted on them by their codependent “abuser” (I put in quotation here, abuser a strong word, and yet relative to the first hand experience of the abused) a waking up and reprogramming can occur, where with sufficient time outside and free from the relationship the “abused” (again relative to the type of relationship, its gravity and whether there is a sense of danger physical or otherwise) can begin to see the abuse for what it is, without bypassing or justifying the other parties behavior or needing to empathize with the other party. This again draws somewhat of a parallel to Stockholm syndrome.

With the desire of an individual at soul level to evolve and discover self beyond the limitation incurred from the co-dependence, an unraveling can occur where the sting of outrage at the injustice experienced by the abused, if their psyche is ready to acknowledge and process it, begins to kick in. With the allowance of time for it to unravel, they can see the deeper levels of the dynamic of abuse in the relationship, and how it was carried out. They begin to see the truth of the dynamic, both of what was experienced, where lines were crossed and also what the pay off was for them in staying in the relationship as long as they had.

In the midst of this awakening to the injustice experienced, anger is a crucial reminder and acknowledgement for self to truly acknowledge the danger and damage of this type of relationship in the way it has the potential to distort self and limit growth and expansion. The containment previously experienced in the relationship has to feel repulsive or become so, in order for the individual to move out of empathy and not be drawn back in by the old manipulations & dependency of their abuser, which would have before allowed them to continue to justify and mentally or emotionally bypass the behaviors of their abuser, for example guilt for questioning their abusers actions, or unquestioning loyalty overriding discernment of their codependent’s intentions.

The activation of anger and blame helps the individual to draw a line in the sand and recognize where and how the violation had occurred. It is needed also in their state of vulnerability to keep them safe, in being conscious of what they then attract or choose to co-create with other individuals. The abuser in the dynamic that they “escaped” from, needs in the abused’s psyche to remain “the bad guy” in order for a sense of self to rebuild without their confidence being broken down again by guilt, shame, violence or any other type of manipulation/ distortion.

Holding onto this blame and resentment, however, can last years, if not a lifetime, because the next phase requires even deeper integration where the individual assesses and recognizes how the anger and resentment has served them as a form of protection, but they are now entering a period of transition where they are strong enough in their energy (and perhaps have had enough life experience away from the original codependent relationship) to no longer require the other individual to be held accountable in their mind / psyche via blame, anger or resentment. The soul is yearning to move towards true forgiveness, understanding, and neutrality which requires to no longer hold fear of the other individual. To recognize that the other party no longer holds power over them. To access this state, a stripping away of the blame is needed which means the individual must then recognize the fear of losing self to the old abuse / dependency is no longer valid because they no longer are able to even resonate from a space where they could attract that type of dynamic. If they did they would recognize it and be able to disconnect from it quickly while maintaining a state of neutrality with no fear of its old trappings.

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Blame and the avoidance of self actualization

Stockholm syndrome is defined as psychological symptoms that occur for people that are kept in captive or hostage situations, developing empathy or support for their captors as a non necessarily conscious survival strategy. In a sense our reliance on blame can be compared to this. The fear induced and the sense of lack of empowerment within a situation or trauma that created a belief of continued dis-empowerment, can in some ways become a comfort zone to us. The blame of our perpetrators without the desire to go beyond the positioning of them as the god head in our lives.

Blame and resentment can often be filled with secret and unconscious agreements we make with ourselves to purposefully fail in order to keep the perpetrators responsible for our misery. Let’s say our third grade teacher told us our ideas were stupid and we were never going to become what we wanted to be as an adult. The anger and humiliation experienced by that event could become unconscious passive aggression where we decide to live up to their judgement of us and not succeed in order to blame them for planting the seed of that belief, or a back-handed attempt at retribution by failing and creating victimhood in our lives out of self pity, and the need to continuously justify our anger long after the event has passed. Sometimes when we feel powerless, our only power is to prove a point. ((That’s why you find so many nerds talking shit in chat rooms and forums. **I do not count myself among you ** 😃👍 )) Our victimhood then becoming a grown self indulgence where we get to be “right” in how they “wronged” us, because they “screwed up our lives.”

 

The problem with blame is that we can’t see beyond this dynamic of self limitation. We’ve created a person or situation as the god head that defined how far we are allowed to progress and put the responsibility in their hands. Our anger helps us to feel justified in the wrong doing, but it distracts us from the life beyond this duality we experienced, where our perception of limitless possibility and expansion was shut down, and we conditioned ourselves to live in that confinement, either cause we bought the belief or because we want to stay limited to hold them accountable. And stay stuck in our bitch ass ways.

You have to tantrum to get to your core. 😤

When we unravel our frustration and allow ourselves to go with full abandon into child-like persecution whining, rage and antics, our trauma is forced to connect our mind with our body, because the exhaustion of the tantrum forces out the rant and trail of thought to a place where we have no more energy to give to our 6 year-old illogical bullshit. Suddenly in that state of collapse and tiredness that argument doesn’t feel worthwhile to hold or sustain anymore. We’ve expended all that energy kicking and punching out the invalidation we originally experienced and the reality we built from that experience, to a point of tiredness where our mind has no energy to continue the battle to control our reality from the point of futility it feels in shouting its desire for acknowledgement. ( Very similar to what is now happening on the collective). In this state of pathetic-ness we can then drop the containment and ask ourselves are we done with this now? Was our inner victim acknowledged enough, or would we like to continue holding our third grade teacher accountable for how our life is progressing now?

Beyond this is self actualization where “they” are no longer responsible for what we can create for ourselves, the sense of duty of care for ourselves becomes something we actually want to carry or take on board because responsibility to self and our life is suddenly alluring without the limitation we thought was imposed on us, or that we held onto as a form of security. Blame no longer works, as it begins to feel stifling, and we become more excited by the prospect of getting on with our creation than feeling sorry for ourselves. We no longer desire to dine with Sensitive Sally and Debbie Downer, and when Trigger Trevor tries to join us, we choose to see the blessing that he gives us in the form of an opportunity to understand self more, as opposed to going into rant mode and disregarding and shutting down the difference in viewpoint.🤔

We all have the opportunity to go beyond our blame if we are willing to be honest with ourselves about who or what we are still needing to hold accountable and to what end?

Visit us @ thedisconnecthealingspace.com for more information on our work, musings and other dope things.🔍

If you choose to stay in the fear…

When you walk down the street and notice the faces of the people, what expression are they holding? Do they look light or heavy? Are they all in the midst of struggle and suffering? Their own personal worry scenario? That’s absolutely real to them?

If you could jump in to their minds and hear their thoughts and their stories you could experience what they are going through. As an observer you could have compassion for them and their situation. And yet objectively if you analyzed their story and could hear their logic, how much of it would you agree is “reality” or “perception”?

If you actually had this ability to jump into peoples’ minds and see the scenarios that they are creating, and then jumped back into your own mind, would you be able to apply the same objectivity? Could you look at your experience and be able to identify where your perception was creating your reality? And potentially a reality you don’t want to experience?

How much are we all just in the story for the majority of the time? Are we just continually buying into it because we simply haven’t identified where our perception has become our reality?

If love is letting go of fear, then is it also about letting go of form? The forms of control and expectation of how things should be? Is your fear boring, but mine so much more interesting? And for how long do we want to entertain fear until we get bored with it? Or do we just keep looking for fears and reasons to fear to distract our entire lives with?

If you choose to stay in the fear, you will keep finding proof to justify your fear. If you choose to drop the fear you will develop faith. The sense that even if your life feels strewn about by forces beyond your control, the way you can feel about your situation can still remain within your control. This is when your will and solar plexus energy become solid. It’s the “knowing thyself.”

When there is chaos around you, in people’s lives, friends, family, people you love, by all means support them and assist. But if they are stuck looking at the door that has closed on them, simply remind them to notice the window of opportunity that has opened. Be aware that if we adopt rescue mode, we can easily start to adopt their story as our own. If rescue is needed, so be it. Rescue. Assist. Create change. Be change. But what kind of world do you choose to believe in? The fear, struggle, duality and incapability of the human race? Or the potential for all people to become sovereign and self empowered? You can play your part within this world without having to identify with it, and continuously hold what people are calling “the new earth” consciousness. And there is no “spiritual bypassing” in doing this. You can still be here on this planet, in the thick of it, helping and sharing and giving back. But you don’t have to buy into the chaos around you. If you can hold onto the belief that we have the collective potential to create the world that we want, then you can remain the “active observer”.

Maurice Katting is a Massage Therapist, Reiki Practitioner and Vibrational Healer based in Melbourne, Australia

You can connect with him at http://thedisconnecthealingspace.com